OVECHKIN: What's he trying to do? His beedy little Russian eyes are entirely obscured by this sunglasses-like crap. He could distract them into fixing their hair and mouth guard using his visor as a mirror? He didn't use it in earlier games so ... maybe a large boil popped up on his forehead as a karmic revenge for their cockiness v. the Americans.

---

I'm loving Dion Phaneuf, for his Stevenseque play on the ice and his demeanour off the ice. What demeanour, you say? All hockey players are dull and drone on about giving full efforts. Well, yeah, Phaneuf does it too, but whenever he talks, the Stare of Thorough, Absolute Rage (STAR) lights up the screen. Look at Phaneuf smile! He looks like he's ready to take on a tank. Either that, or the right side of his face is perpetually pained.

Finally, a reason to like the Flames! Even though he is, ahem, an Edmonontonian.

Like McGuire quipped, "Everything Phaneuf does is hard." I'll bet.

---

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

Brad Richards and Aaron from The Amazing Race 6. Because Aaron's smiling, the full similarities aren't visible, but if anybody watches the show, they'll know what I mean. All Aaron's missing is Richards' Modano-style trademark chipmunk mouth. Let's just hope Richards' girlfriend isn't as shrill as Hayden. And for all you men out there, Hayden was part of the Lingerie Bowl and she's been flashing her breasts to the camera all series long, on The Amazing Race.

---

IN THE CUPBOARD:

Olympic gold, Men and Women
World Championship
Spengler Cup
World Cup
World Juniors

STOLEN!
STANLEY CUP

Todd Bertuzzi has accepted a deal from the Crown, pleading guilty in exchange for a "conditional discharge" (read: community service) and a clean record. It's my understanding that sentencing is being done right now, as the judge denied Steve Moore's lawyer's request to have Moore read his victim-impact statement in the court, which would've caused a delay of the trial.

Remember Bertuzzi, who savagely epitomized the dark, soft, cruel underbelly of hockey? It still astounds me the extent and attachment people have to their team, and especially their utter insistence at the sainthood and moral invulnerability of their players. These "protestors" took Bertuzzi's "cause" seriously, and placated themselves with gratuitous signs that said, "FREE 44", like 44 was a jailed, political anarchist denied his freedom of speech, not a rage-filled hockey player who hit someone in the back of the head. More puzzlingly is that 44 was and is free; I imagine he was sitting in his home in Kitchener, with his family, busying himself with simple domestic duties and thinking about Steve Moore. There were no handcuffs to his hands, no shackles binding him … and I can only hope there was and is a lingering, perpetual remorse.

While Bertuzzi himself may not be a political prisoner, "his" cause, represents the other side of hockey's continual civil war over the question of violence and fighting. It has been eclipsed by bigger, more pressing issues but soon, media attention, desperate for stories, may return to it. The clips will be played again; older ghosts and skeletons in the closet will be exhumed – Kharlamov's knee, 1972, Jeff Beukeboom, the Broad Street Bullies ... like a national attempt at an exorcism, the lingering guilt and moral issues will be paraded and broadcast.

And over and over again, the question of why the Crown did what they did will be asked, furiously dissected on talk-shows and late night vampires. What kind of idiots do we have working in the courts? Are they hockey fans or prosecutors? And perhaps even a cynical, Where's my O.J. trial? The intentions and shortcomings of the Crown will be examined thoroughly, with the absence of any other stories.

Someone, a lone rebel, will attempt to justify the plea bargain: Since he was practically guaranteed no jail-time anyway, what would be the point? Even if he did have a criminal record, he would eventually have it cleaned up so he could continue his NHL career. What would be the point of wasting the Crown's time? Surely there are more urgent cases that have been overlooked.

But even more overwhelming will be the number of people who are just simply puzzled by why the Crown bothered to go through with convicting Bertuzzi if the consequences would be negligible. They'd patiently taken three months to examine the loads of photographic and medical evidence, but then suddenly seemed to give up. Had their photographs, videos, testimonies picked up something the 18 000 live witnesses and millions more who watched it on TV, had not?

Most pressingly, is how Steve Moore's circumstances will play out. Unlike the other hockey player victim of this past season, Dan Snyder, he is not dead -- there is no media circus at his funeral and no memorial funds it was spectral opportunities he had and they are gone; impossible to catch once more, impossible to re-enter the system. He will think about this later, perhaps, not now; doctors have said though the rest of his physical body is healing miraculously, he has severe post-concussion syndrome; pounding headaches, mood swings, flashing lights.

Are those symptoms money can fix, through a civil lawsuit? Would jail-time for Bertuzzi avenge Moore's lost fringe spot on the Colorado Avalanche? Would Bertuzzi's volunteer service at a children's hospital in Vancouver even come close to repaying what he owes Steve Moore?

I give up.

After the useless anticipation, and eagerly awaiting the radio for some news, some shred of optimism -- I give up on the 2004-2005 season. No matter what Ron MacLean says, no matter what speculation comes from the mouths of bored and unemployed sportsjournalists, I give up.

I'm exhausted and disappointed (at the possibility of/that there will be) no playoffs, but please -- memo to the NHL and NHLPA: the average fan, contrary to popular belief, does not have a diet consisting of bullshit.

Let's move on ... figuratively, and literally.

WJHC -- my favourite time of the year. Normally, it was because of the hockey overdose, but this year, thanks to our (collective fan) relationship with the NHL and NHLPA ... it won't be a threesome with NHL and WJCH goodies. The warm body of the NHL will be missed/not missed/resented, but crawling into bed with tomorrow's stars isn't so bad.

Some notable Sens players:

• Jeff Glass, a Sens 3rd round pick from 2004, is rumoured to be the starter for Canada.
• Andrej Meszaros, picked 23rd overall by the Sens in 2004, will play for Slovakia.
• Shawn Weller, forever remembered as the guy we traded Bonk for, will represent U.S.A., and is the only player to play from the obscure ECACHL.

Some more thoughts on the WJC tournament ... why, oh, why, won't the TSN leave Sidney Crosby alone? As a hockey fan, I appreciate the future stars, but as a person around his age, I also appreciate being able to go places without having a microphone shoved down my throat. The gesture to make Canadian juniors more familiar is nice, but to focus on Crosby is just overkill and dreadfully boring. He's an amazing player for his age, but nobody needs a 30 minute 'A Day In The Life Of Sidney Crosby', especially not when it's a sports-documentary partly on how over-exposed Crosby is. No thank you, TSN, I don't need to know when Crosby scratches his butt or picks his nose.

Curtis Leschyshyn, the dependable, defensive defenseman that Martin ignored for a shaky Pothier last playoffs, has retired. It's only the first of many casualty retirements to come. I'm disappointed and wished Leschyshyn could've ended his career with the Sens in a more respectable manner than what Martin put him through. Hey, Curtis, good luck with your cycling career and hopefully, one day, more people will learn to spell your name correctly. [Courtesy of Sportsnet ... the link escapes me right now.]

Hossa! Hossa! Hossa! A bright, velvety blonde spot in my day -- unlike some players (*cough* McCabe *cough*), Hossa's been excelling in Mora after leaving his native Slovakia. He's been named European Player of the Month.

Speaking of Mr. McCabe (in case you haven't heard, he was cut by a Swedish team for ... well, sucking), what happened there? Distracted by Swedish ice girls?

The Bingy (I refuse to say Bingo) Sens lost to the Baby Leafs in a typical AHL game, I'd say. A huge brawl, and tight action. I admit, fighting doesn't excite me at all. Most of the time, I switch channels until the fight is over. It's not like I don't enjoy seeing players striptease all over the ice, but it's horribly boring. There's a reason I don't watch boxing. Maybe it's a guy thing, but what's the point of seeing players trying to take each other's clothes off and then vainly try to pummel and knock each other down like bowing pins? No, really, it's okay.

(But when Chara fights anybody, it's worth watching.

And last year in the infamous Philly-Ottawa brawl, Redden's weird move sending Leclair[I think] to the ice was pretty awesome.

And sometimes in a boring game, it manages to wake up the crowd. Like that bird whistle Reverend Lovejoy uses. But with more violence and stripping.)

After that loss, the Bingy Sens went to Manitoba to beat the Moose 4-1, which was unfortunately available to me on TV or radio.


Also, what the hell? Spezza can't even dress himself.

Along with being the team leader, Spezza also serves as a kind of fashion consultant for Binghamton.

"Some of the guys dress like they still are in junior, so I have to help them out."

Where was he when Alfie was doing interviews with holes in his shirt? I knew somebody remembers that.

In other news, move over, Lecavalier.

Before NaNoWriMo, before midterms, before homework, I thought foolishly that I could make some time to see the darling baby Sens at the ACC take on their other rivalry team (the real rivalry would be with the Philadelphia Phantoms). It didn't happen, but I listened giddily to the radio, to the screeching and cackling of Beyak's cheese grater, monotonous voice.

So, Emery's starting and I'm thinking, I know he hasn't done that well, but he's a feisty guy, cruelly competitive almost, so he'll do well at the ACC, even with the wrath of bored Leaf fans. First period passes, Binghamton dominates the shot-clock and Emery lets a goal in, but it's okay because the score's tied 1-1. It's okay. He'll recover, he'll recover.

Then, Kyle Wellwood, who the announcers have been crushing with the intensity of boy band groupies, dekes Emery out on a shorthanded rush. Poof. That was the sound of Emery's confidence deflating; even from the purely audio, Ray didn't sound so good.

(On another note, the sudden rise and change in Beyak's voice at the scoring part made me drop a cup of tea on myself. You owe me dry cleaning, Mr. Beyak!)

After this point, Binghamton basically forgets to show up for the rest of the second period. Tellqvist intercepts a puck and sends it away, to be shot from a long, long way out -- the wrist shot goes through the hole between Emery's body and arm, and floats into the net. Bye, bye, Emery.

(I can feel Emery's sulking through the radio.)

So, Billy Thompson arrives at the scene and manages to pull Binghamton's sorry ass from a brainless, extremely vulnerable situation they put themselves in. It's not the most acrobatic save -- he just bats the puck out of the air -- but it works.

(Kyle Wellwood's performance gets compared to The Kyle Wellwood Show, then a debutante ball. The MOJO 640 hockey staff, by the way, have unbelievably held their Leafs Lunch every. single. day since the lockout began, only because nobody's listening anyway! I'm also convinced that Beyak and [the other guy] have began calling themselves Mr. Wellwood. Or scribbling Beyak + Wellwood in a heart. What sounds better, Mr. Beyak or Mr. Beyak-Wellwood? Hmm. [If that shows up on Leafs Lunch as a serious topic anytime soon, I deserve credit.])

[Wow, I am a bitter Sens fan.]

Moving on.

Thompson makes an incredible save on Stajan, and Beyak begins again, hesitantly, sounding denied, like a man denied. (Describing the rush: "Wow, that was Excitement City." Actual quote. No kidding.)

Penalty shot, after a Binghamton Sen makes an ill-advised move. Jeremy Williams takes the shot on Billy Thompson, and at this point, I begin to not really care if he scores or not. (He doesn't. Ha!)

After the nth (okay, 11th) powerplay, I'm wondering if it's the players who cheapshot more than most NHL players or it's the trigger happy referees.

The ACC sounds dead. Populated by awkward Leaf fans and the odd Sens fan who are wondering who the hell the players on the ice are. ("Spezza? Oh, SPEZZA! I know that guy!")

Yay! After a seemingly chance goal that just barely trickles past the goal line (which is um, booed for some reason), the Sens seem more alive.

(Look, I admire Spezza and I know he's got skills, but it really pains me to say this. This has been obvious from day one, from his days in junior. Nobody's written about it, but the subtext has always, always been there. I don't know how much it'll affect his future career as a Senator, or if he'll just mature like he's suppose to and get over it -- maybe we'll just have to live with it, you know? But this has really, really concerned me about Spezza.
























HE HAS GIGANTIC EARS.)

5 minutes left in the game. 3-2 St. John's. Come on, Binghamton. All or nothing.

3. St. John's tries to shut things down.

1 minute. They're playing dead.

30 seconds. Icing call. Beyak & Co. discuss the merits of icing.

10 seconds. Vermette's shot is blocked.

St. John's scores an empty netter in the dying seconds. 4-2, Final.

The biggest issue for concern here is Emery's instability. He played like he didn't know what the hell he was doing, like he knew the puck was going to be in as he watched the shooter, even though it wasn't much of a blowout. He swallowed too many pills (or not enough) or something. Being overwhelmed by his experience (UGH) last time at the ACC could have something to do with it. I don't think there's a point in putting him in again if he's this nervous, and Thompson's excelled.

Tune in Friday night, for the second game in the matchup.